I sat down in my room with my hands on my chest on the eve of my birthday wondering what was causing this anxiety.
I couldn’t breathe, I kept going under the shower hoping I would feel less anxious.
I have always been a happy person on my birthday or rather, on the nights before my birthday. But it felt different this time.
I felt like crying, I knew I was breaking down badly. I did not want the day to come. 12th of March was just hours from now and I was feeling anxious, scared, and extremely emotional. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t find a reason as to why crying was the only thing I wanted to do.
I was restless, I wanted to sleep but couldn’t. I tried listening to some music but that wasn’t working either. I knew I would have to face the day whether I liked it or not because I can’t change the time or fasten the clock.
It was 12:00am finally. March 12th was finally here and I kept staring at my phone like I was expecting something to happen. My sister who had tried to stay awake so she would be the first to wish me a happy birthday was engrossed in her paintings that she lost track of time.
I stayed in bed going through all the social media apps looking for anything that could make me smile, nothing.
It was past 1 am, I went to my sister’s room to remind her that it was already an hour into 12th of march, her reaction still makes me smile.
Eventually, I slept. Fast forward to hours later, I woke up to missed calls and messages from friends trying to wish me a happy birthday. I was too sad to reply, I ended up putting my phone on “do not disturb”
For the first time, I could not turn off the depression switch.
I stayed all day looking moody and teary. I canceled all the plans I had that day because it just did not feel right to go out and fake a smile with my friends that had put off their busy schedules to come and celebrate with me.
I held the tears back until the end of the day, stayed in my room, and poured everything out. I hated the fact that I could not control my emotions.
I cried so much, when I was done, I took my phone and began to call everyone back, with an apology speech prepared in my head.
It has been two weeks since my birthday and I still don’t know what made me feel that way. I know it wasn’t the age I was turning because by heart and brain I am still a 23-year-old lady. LOL
Recently, regrets have been trying to get the best of me.
You can’t make me sad on my birthday and still, make me spend the rest of the year filled with regrets. I won’t let you.
I’m going to define it as a phase in life. A phase I couldn’t control. A phase I hope won’t happen again.
As sad as this looks, it wasn’t a bad day all through...
I got a birthday cake from my siblings.
I got lots of gifts from friends.
I also attended an online BTS concert.
And had a birthday dinner with my sister days later.
All in all, cheers to 26. I feel and look like 23 so it’s all good. Hopefully, 24/27 would be a better memorable day.