26.

A 23/26 year old Tosin taking a mirror selfie🤫

I sat down in my room with my hands on my chest on the eve of my birthday wondering what was causing this anxiety.

I couldn’t breathe, I kept going under the shower hoping I would feel less anxious.

I have always been a happy person on my birthday or rather, on the nights before my birthday. But it felt different this time.

I felt like crying, I knew I was breaking down badly. I did not want the day to come. 12th of March was just hours from now and I was feeling anxious, scared, and extremely emotional. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t find a reason as to why crying was the only thing I wanted to do.

I was restless, I wanted to sleep but couldn’t. I tried listening to some music but that wasn’t working either. I knew I would have to face the day whether I liked it or not because I can’t change the time or fasten the clock.

It was 12:00am finally. March 12th was finally here and I kept staring at my phone like I was expecting something to happen. My sister who had tried to stay awake so she would be the first to wish me a happy birthday was engrossed in her paintings that she lost track of time.

I stayed in bed going through all the social media apps looking for anything that could make me smile, nothing.

It was past 1 am, I went to my sister’s room to remind her that it was already an hour into 12th of march, her reaction still makes me smile.

Eventually, I slept. Fast forward to hours later, I woke up to missed calls and messages from friends trying to wish me a happy birthday. I was too sad to reply, I ended up putting my phone on “do not disturb”

For the first time, I could not turn off the depression switch.

I stayed all day looking moody and teary. I canceled all the plans I had that day because it just did not feel right to go out and fake a smile with my friends that had put off their busy schedules to come and celebrate with me.

I held the tears back until the end of the day, stayed in my room, and poured everything out. I hated the fact that I could not control my emotions.

I cried so much, when I was done, I took my phone and began to call everyone back, with an apology speech prepared in my head.

It has been two weeks since my birthday and I still don’t know what made me feel that way. I know it wasn’t the age I was turning because by heart and brain I am still a 23-year-old lady. LOL

Recently, regrets have been trying to get the best of me.

I’m going to define it as a phase in life. A phase I couldn’t control. A phase I hope won’t happen again.

As sad as this looks, it wasn’t a bad day all through...

I got a birthday cake from my siblings.

I got lots of gifts from friends.

I also attended an online BTS concert.

The highlight of my birthday weekend💜

And had a birthday dinner with my sister days later.

The money i spent on this day still haunts me in my sleep😭

All in all, cheers to 26. I feel and look like 23 so it’s all good. Hopefully, 24/27 would be a better memorable day.

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